If you know me, you know that I have kept my grandson since
he was born, on a regular basis, while my son and daughter-in-love work and go
to school. This has thrust me back into rubbing shoulders with young mothers at
library story time, church, and pre-school.
Now I know that everyone is different, and that we all
handle the things that come in life differently. But somewhere along the way,
I’ve become somewhat captivated with how the younger generation is “handling”
things. The internet is playing a HUGE role in this. I have read and perused
dozens of websites and blogs written by many young parents, especially mothers,
about how they are handling life. I find this interesting, a study, so to speak
in human nature. Trust me when I say that I am perfectly aware that what
someone writes on a blog or a website can be manipulated and embellished to the
point that there is little reality there at all, but I also know that under
every lie, exaggeration, or “story” there is also a bit of truth and reality
.
I have often bemoaned the fact that the internet wasn’t
around when my kids were growing up because there is so much out there that
would have been tremendously helpful when my kids, being 15 months apart, were
very small; assurance, validation, support, and encouragement, but then when my
kids were very young, I would not have had time for the internet.
I was also told by one young woman, a mother of three, when
I commented to her to this effect, that it can be a blessing, but also a curse.
I understood, because we are prone to compare ourselves to others, and I can’t
help but wonder if that isn’t what all this is really about.
A slippery slope to say the least. Comparing ourselves to
others has taken on a global influence, something that I’m pretty sure isn’t a
good thing. I cannot imagine comparing my life, children, and child rearing
techniques to those of someone, say in New York or Japan. I used to struggle
just looking at close, local friends, let alone the entire world of blogging
and websites that so many young women are reading and writing these days.
I do see the boost that these parents get from this though.
We all need encouragement in whatever we are doing. We all need to know that
even when what we have done appears to be a huge mistake, that our children are
probably less scarred by it than we think. We all need the support to get out
of bed and keep going on those days of utter exhaustion after a night of sick
little ones, and none or very little sleep. But this constancy of it, and it
can be constant with a hand held device, I’m afraid can be dangerous.
I also see where because of this so many of these young
parents are looking to each other for the support and advice they feel they
need, and not necessarily those who have actually walked through it and come
out the other side.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m no expert on raising kids, trust me,
that has been driven home to me more than once, but there are some things in
all this that I see, that if I had the opportunity to share a cup of coffee
with these folks, and talk to them, this
is what I would tell them.
1) There are no exacts with child raising. One
method used on one child is probably not going to work on the next one. Every
child is different. Your job, is to study the child and get to know them. This
takes time. It is a priceless investment that pays HUGE rewards. It’s called
relationship.
2)Your children are watching and listening to you.
They hear that tone in your voice when you are speaking about or to someone. They know if you are exaggerating or
embellishing a story to garner attention. They can spot a phony a mile away.
Listen to yourself when you speak, because later you will hear yourself coming
out of those little mouths.
3) Stop doing too much. You heard me. Most of us,
at any age are over extended in our lives. We are trying to do too much. We
have trouble saying no; except to our kids. We get ourselves overextended which
is why we tell ourselves we need a vacation, a break. Get your time back and
you won’t need a vacation you can’t afford, or a break from those who you love.
You know the acronym for B.U.S.Y.? Burdened Under Satan’s Yoke…
4) Clean up your house. Yes, I said clean up your
house. It isn’t about cleanliness, it isn’t even about neatness, it is about
structure, and organization. Children thrive in structure. Environment plays a
huge role in a child’s life and yes I’m talking about their physical
environment. When they see you take control of your and their environment they
know they are with someone they can count on and trust, bringing security.
5) Stop doing what you “WANT”. That’s right, harsh
words, I know. The excuse that you are making more money so you can take that
vacation, fix up your house, drive a better car, so the kids will be better off……….news
flash, they don’t care if they go on vacation, live in a bigger house, or drive
a better car. Their needs are simple and as follows: Mom, Dad, food, clothing, time and love.
6) That’s right. I heard someone say one time that
children spell LOVE, T-I-M-E. I’ve also heard the old saying “time is money”. But
I will tell you either way, time is valuable. You will either pay now or pay
later.
7) And last but not least, stop comparing. Stop
comparing houses, clothes, cars, jobs, income, attitudes, abilities, and each
other. If you want the ultimate and best example to compare yourself to--Jesus.
And when you realize by doing that, that you are a complete and total failure
in EVERY department. You will be right where He can really do with you, your
time, and your family, exactly what you were REALLY wanting all along. Strive for THAT, and there will be no need for
any comparison in any area.
I reiterate here that I am not an expert in child rearing.
And I am quite confident that there are going to be some things here that will
offend, and put some people off. But many times the truth about ourselves is a
difficult thing to face. I’ve learned that first hand too, just keep reading.
I have been shocked and amazed by some of my children’s
choices and decisions as adults. Something that I’m sure if I had developed certain
relationships with them in some vital areas while they were very small they very
possibly would not have made and be making those said choices.
I have cringed in recent years to hear my voice and comments
come out of my adult children’s mouths. I know from personal heartbreak, that
in time, those things will not serve them well and I pray they learn that
without living with the same mistakes and regrets I have.
I knew structure was important to children, and schedule was
maintained most of the time while they were growing up. Daily routines were
followed, including making of beds, washing dishes, and picking up the house.
They tell me now that those things taught them a great deal about structure, time management, organizational skills, work ethic and gave them a sense of security.
However, I found myself some days resenting the quantifiable
time I had to spend just investing in my kids; especially when they were very
small. I did nothing, it seemed, for myself. There simply wasn’t time. So when
they did became more independent I jumped at the chance to do things I wanted to,
things, that looking back were of no value except to me. Yes I needed an
outlet, but I should have been more careful as to the time and effort it took.
The words coming out of their mouths “I don’t WANT TO!” were often times the
cry of my heart too. Making a child AND
yourself do something you don’t WANT to do or doing something you HAVE to do,
is probably the hardest part of being a parent.
There was never enough money. Roger worked so hard, all day,
extra jobs at night, but it all seemed to go somewhere, and looking back I know
that it was mostly because the I DON’T WANT TO, took precedent over what should
have been.
I grew up being told to compare myself to my three older
sisters; what I wore, my hair, my makeup, my grades, my activities, so I didn’t
do too much of anything without first comparing myself to someone. If you
compare, your children will grow up comparing themselves with others, and be
afraid to trust in their own instincts and abilities which only breeds
redundancy and boredom. Encourage their
abilities and talents, even if they don’t fit your mold. Let them know that
being different isn’t necessarily wrong; sometimes it is just different.
All that said, the most important thing I would say to these
young parents who feel that they are drowning in work, jobs, children and
childhood happenings is to PRAY. It can be done changing a diaper, nursing a
baby, picking up toys, opening the mail, cleaning and scrubbing, doing laundry,
breaking up a fight, driving the car, and it is free, it doesn’t cost a thing,
and it will CHANGE YOUR LIFE and the life of everyone around you!
Talk to Jesus. He hears you, and best of all, He already
knows what you’re going to tell Him. He already knows that you feel like a
failure, or you’re so tired you’re about to snap, or your lonely and dying for
some adult input in your life. He knows that you are actually feeling
overwhelmed, would love to start over completely, but don’t have a clue how to
do it. He knows.
I found the following verse when my children were little. I
grabbed onto it like a life preserver, reminding Him that He said he would be
gentle with me. He was and He still is. Where would I be without his
compassionate grace and mercy? As usual the answer always rests with Jesus.
Isaiah
40:11
11 He will
feed his flock like a shepherd, he will gather the lambs in his arm, and
carry them in his bosom, and will gently lead those that have their young.
