"I don't know....."

This past year has brought me to the end of myself in many ways.

I’m looking for some new beginnings, and am praying to get whatever God may have in store for me off to the right start.

You see, one of the things that I believe is that there is a lesson God wants us to learn in every situation and circumstance. As my sister said when she was going through cancer: “Let me get whatever your wanting me to get this time Lord, I don’t want to ever have to go through this again!”

I thought perhaps a list might be in order to help me collect my thoughts about who I am, what I believe, where I stand on certain issues (irrefutable issues i.e. God DOES exist, etc. etc.) (can you put the existence of God in with the etc.’s?!) I won’t list them all here. (collective whew!)

As I explained to someone, “I’ve never heard myself say ‘I don’t know?’ so much in so many situations and circumstances as I have in the past year. My ‘don’t know’s’ far and away exceed my ‘knows’.

I realized something the other day that was somewhat of a light bulb which served to expose the empty space that is now “I don’t know.”

I was standing in a group of friends the other day, and everyone was talking, and reminiscing about raising their children. As I listened to them drop pearls of wisdom on childrearing and upbringing of kids; pearls that I too had espoused to as I raised two kids, I realized that even though I had myself thought those very statements to be true and foolproof, I could no longer state them as a fail safe formula for raising kids.

Those in the crowd commented to my sister after I left that “Andrea was really quiet.” I found myself listening to conversations that I had been raised around and taken part in all my life, that now with the frame of reference I have, I see totally different.

I feel like those war veterans who have been in the thick of battle, and come home to a culture and environment that is completely unaware of what they have been through and how it has affected them; life has continued as normal for these folks, while your acclimating back into what is now, a somewhat unfamiliar environment. I spoke with a friend of mine the other day who is on the other side of a rather messy divorce, and she understood exactly what I meant.

Some would say my confidence is simply shaken, others would say the tried and true are still the best, but let me tell you—I don’t know. I no longer ‘know’ A LOT of things. Listening made me feel bad about myself. Why wasn’t I able to get the same results they did using the same methods? Because as I heard a father of eight children say once, “there are as many different ways to raise children as there are children.”

-Looking back, and mind you hind sight is ALWAYS 20/20, I felt bad about the fact that I wasn’t strong enough long ago to go with my instincts many times and raise my kids the way my heart told me to instead of the way everyone else told me to. For example: I no longer believe that you must “buck up” when life is hard. Sometimes it is o.k. to go to bed and eat a quart of ice cream, and sometimes it is o.k. to come home with your tail between your legs licking your wounds. Because sometimes it is necessary to take time to heal and regroup, so you’re stronger to go back into the battle.

-I have experienced that as much as you might think you know what you would do in a certain situation, when it happens, what you wind up doing may surprise you—and be the best thing after all.

-I will never again say to someone “I know how you feel”; because I don’t. Until you have walked in someone else’s shoes, you can’t even begin to imagine how they feel. And because of that, I can’t possibly begin to give anyone advice or suggestions as to how their situation should be handled and I certainly am in no position to criticize.

-Even as adults we never grow out of needing other people to come along side us and just love us, and offer a helping hand, and not say a word.

-Sometimes in the Christian community our expectations of others often mirror society and its expectations of us more than we realize. And that sometimes the Christian community can inflict wounds that hurt far worse than the worlds.

-I would rather laugh than cry, a really good laugh that massages the insides and leaves you breathless, and stops you in your tracks. I am making it a point to look for more of those all the time.

Because of some of these things and many others that I’ve experienced firsthand, I find myself moving very slowly these days. I feel like I’m starting all over in so many areas of my life that if I hurry like I did when I was 25, I’ll mess it up, or miss it altogether.

Perhaps that is why I have slowed down. I know when I am sick, sick enough to wind up in bed with a fever and sick as a dog, things being done around the house or in the office, or out in the yard, or at church, or anywhere else for that matter—simply don’t matter; and they are always there when I feel better. They wait for you.

You may be reading this and thinking, “I can’t believe she didn’t know that?” But let me say, there is a vast difference in “knowing” (or thinking you know) something, and experiencing it firsthand. Now when I hear the phrase, “There but for the Grace of God go I”, I feel it in my gut.

I still don’t know so many things, and I’m pretty sure that I never will know as much as I should, so the best thing I am learning is that when I don’t know, and I’m at the end of myself I do remember that God loves me. THAT I do know!

Artwork by Mike at One at a Time Products

The Rainbow

I don’t usually write about my husband on my blog.
Rog is a quiet person, and loathes attention of any kind, much less being “featured” on one of my blogs. However, he shared this story in Sunday school yesterday (a public forum, so to speak) so I am sharing it too.

We are reading the book Crazy Love in our Sunday school class, Rog is the “facilitator” (we don’t use the word teacher :)) and he shared a praise at the beginning of class when we share our prayer requests and praises.

The past few weeks the guys have been pouring A LOT of concrete. It can be a stressful thing, especially when you take into account weather complications.

The basement they have currently been working on has presented some problems and as Rog said himself, “I have been finding in the past weeks that I need to trust God more.”

As they prepared for the pour on Fri. morning, there was a 60% chance of showers. Now in some parts of the world, 60% isn’t a lot, however for Kansas in Aug. when they say 60% you sit up and pay attention. He did.

He prayed about it, and asked God to show him what to do perhaps a sign that he was with him in this decision. He went ahead and scheduled the pour for early in the morning. The trucks full of concrete arrived as the sun was coming up, and they poured the floor without incident. The clouds were around, and yes it looked like rain in the distance, it even sprinkled a little bit after they were done.

Roger shared that as he stood in the sprinkles he was aware that they had done the pour without rain, but had he really heard from God, or was he going on his own instincts. Did God really show him………..

At that moment as they dug out the cold drinks for a break, the sun came fully up over the eastern horizon, and in the west a perfect full rainbow appeared. One of the most perfect and fully formed rainbows that either of us could ever remember seeing.

He said that at that moment he knew that rainbow was his.

I have no doubt of it either, and as we looked at each other with tears in our eyes we both knew that God in his faithfulness had answered Rogers prayer.

(picture credit John Wise.com)

Gods plans

I have been reading the Old Testament again.

I’ve come to the part where David decided to take a census.

The exact phrasing is: “Satan rose up against Israel and incited David to take a census.”

Just before this, God had blessed David by establishing his kingdom and even making his promise that David’s line would reign forever.

Just when we think we’ve got it sewn up, Satan walks in.

Why would God “allow” Satan to provoke David to take a census?

When the wrath of God comes because David chose to do this, he gives David a choice (first and only time in scripture, man got to “choose” his punishment). David chooses to “fall into the hands of the Lord, for His mercy is very great…..”

For three days Israel was plagued, literally, and Jerusalem was being destroyed when David went before God and reminded him that he, David, was the one that had ordered the census, not “these sheep”.

Thousands died due to one man’s sin, WHICH if we look at it the way the commentators do, was part of God’s plan all along!!

(Job lost all his children, and everything he owned—because God allowed Satan to cause trouble.)

WHY DOES HE DO THAT!!!???

Why does he allow Satan to tempt, lead astray, causing us to fall, maybe even destroying us?

Believe it or not, this is a small picture of God’s mercy toward mankind. A few thousands died in the three day period of punishment for David’s sin-----all of mankind would die for Adam’s sin.

*The sacrifice made that day on the threshing floor of Ornan, was in the exact spot where Abraham had planned to sacrifice Isaac, before God stopped him.

*It was a forerunner to the ultimate sacrifice of our Savior Jesus Christ for the sins of the entire world--it stayed God's hand.

*The location of the threshing floor which David paid a large price to purchase that day, and where he would continue to sacrifice later became the location of the temple mount; the spot where his son Solomon would build the great and magnificant Temple of God.

When I read this I have to believe and know that God knows what He is doing when sorrow, hardship, and heartache come. I have to believe that through examples like this He shows us His self control and, yes, His love – God plans ahead --- scripture reveals it.

If I keep all this in my heart and am mindful of this perspective (an eternal perspective) then I can find myself trusting Him more for the plans He has for us……

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

God has plans……………….

Baby Days

From whence my help comes

In the past year I have found out that I can do things I never imagined myself doing; not just physically, but mentally and spiritually.

My sister in law asked how things were going the other day, and I told her they were good. She asked if I was still keeping Sam; my response, “everyday, all day”. She said she didn’t know how I did it, that it would wear her out and exhaust her, and when he starts crawling and walking it was going to be a real job.

Her comment made me realize what all I’ve encountered in the past year. That if I had known it was coming would have told you straight out, not only that it wouldn’t happen, but that I would have handled it completely different than I have. I realized that in the past year I’ve dealt with and done more things than I could have ever imagined myself doing and I have done them differently than I would have ever imagined. I have changed so much in the past year as to how I used to think and function to what I think and function at this moment, I can’t begin to list all the changes. Through it all there have been times of overwhelming grief, worry and exhaustion but on the flip side there has been such joy that it is unexplainable, and a sense of peace that can only come from God.
I know enough to know that none of it is over, simply because life will continue and go on, and the days aren’t written yet; except in God’s day timer, and He is the only one who sees that.

As I was relating the conversation to Audrey, I chuckled and said, “well, it will either get me in shape or kill me………either way, I win”

At that moment I thought of Caleb—yep, the one who went into the Promised Land with Joshua, the one who was there through the plaques in Egypt and the deliverance through the Red Sea, and went into the Promised Land as a spy with the others who came back and gave a bad report, sealing their own fate at never getting to enter that Promised Land again.

But Joshua the son of Nun and Caleb the son of Jephunneh remained alive, of the men who went to spy out the land

He was there and saw it all. He knew God was strong enough to bring them through the trials of Egypt, and he knew God would give them the Promised Land.

His comment, when he went to collect the land promised to him, has stuck with me.

“And now, behold, the LORD has kept me alive, as He said, these forty-five years, ever since the LORD spoke this word to Moses while Israel wandered in the wilderness; and now, here I am this day, eighty-five years old. As yet I am as strong this day as on the day that Moses sent me; just as my strength was then, so now is my strength for war, both for going out and for coming in."

In this battle that we continue to fight as we live on this earth, I think of Caleb; wholly committed to the Lord and receiving the strength to go on and forward to the Promised Land……………..Promised. God Promised………………I’m planning on going in, but first I have to fight some battles, continue in the war. I’m counting on God to give strength and longevity if that is what He has for me.

And Joshua blessed him; and he gave Hebron unto Caleb the son of Jephunneh for an inheritance…….. because he wholly followed Jehovah, the God of Israel…….And the land had rest from war.

As a friend of mine said once, “I can sleep when I’m dead.”

I’ll rest when God says it’s time.