This has now become a diary. 

It is no longer public in any way shape or form. I will not be sharing my thoughts with the internet, the world, or whoever reads this. 

I need a place to write and put down my thoughts, and if no one else ever reads them I'm so totally alright with that. 

I just finished an audiobook, something I never thought I'd ever use, but am finding quite useful, and I am reminded of 2009 when our world, my world changed and turned completely upside down.  

Doesn't matter what the name of the book is. I could have written parts if not all of it. Not the back story, her's was terrible. UGH! But the lessons learned were mine too. 

There is no way on earth that I can ever believe that God will leave us as we are anymore than I know from reading the old testament that he would leave the Israelites in the desert. 

What I am having trouble with is how to navigate what I know God want's for us, and what I'm living with and in. 

You can tell people, they can read the same books, but until the Holy Spirit brings them to it and through it, it just simply isn't going to take. IT ISN'T!!! 

Prayer is something God has been speaking to me about for years. And he is teaching me about it now too. I'll never know it all, but the importance of it, the paramount importance of it, is something that the church, the home, the family, and anything Christian has left out. 

I am constantly looking at situations in the world I live in, and asking myself, why if we are Jesus' disciples and witnesses here, if we say we believe and follow are we so impotent in the Spiritual warfare that is thrust upon us every moment of every day. 

Are we presumptuous like the Israelites were in Ai? I think we are. I know that Biblical ignorance, arrogance, and pride, keep the Spirit of God from being able to work. 

I grow weary of the battle because I am not prepared for the battle. I have not trained for the battle. I have not studied battle strategy, I have not devoted myself to the preparation of the gospel. 

I am thinking about this and praying about this, and hoping with all my heart, that God can lift me up out of this funk I have been in for the last 13 years. 

Battles rage. I'm standing on the outside watching people go down with the ship. 

What is wrong with us.......ALL OF US!!!