I have wondered all my life why I am the way I am; judgemental,
hypercritical, unkind, phoney-what is it that makes me this way exactly.
Moreover, for having professed Christianity for the largest portion of my life
- why can't I change, be delivered from this sin that so easily besets me?
One day while I was making our
bed, and bitching and bellyaching to no one in particular, AGAIN, about my
husband and kids, etc. It hit me. I sat down on the edge of the bed and googled
the question "Why am I so critical and judgemental?"
The top link lead to a page
from Psychology Today about being this way because you have been raised in a
hypercritical environment. As I read on, it described me to a tee. (This also
makes me think that there must be a LOT of other's out there that struggled
with this).
The term hypercritical
environment was something I had to do more digging into, and when I did, it was
also spot on.
When a
child grows up in an overly critical environment it can have a damaging effect
on their psyche. Overly critical parents may feel like they are just driving
their children to do their best, but realistically, critical behavior leads to
a negative family dynamic. It has an effect on everything from a child's
creativity level to her self-esteem.
Under this were the subheadings: Perfectionism, Anxiety,
Unconditional Love, Self Esteem,
Perfectionism:
This creates a family dynamic in which the
child is expected to perform at unrealistic levels. Psychology Today outlines
the issues that come along with seeking perfectionism. The article,
"Pitfalls of Perfectionism," says that perfectionism decreases
creativity, innovation, and a child's desire to take risks. A child who is
raised with overly critical parents is afraid to fail and disappoint her parents.
According to Psychology Today, the unattainable expectations put on a child by
overly critical parents serves only to increase her negative inner dialogue.
Anxiety:
According to the site Children with Anxiety, a
child needs a loving, calming environment when dealing with anxiety issues.
Overly critical parents only serve to increase the stress and anxiety within a
child. The site says a child can develop depression, or even mental illness if
anxiety issues are not dealt with in a healthy manner. A child who has anxiety
issues needs parental guidance that does not include stressful criticism, and
second-guessing of every move he makes. Children with Anxiety
points out that dealing with anxiety is a family issue, not just the child's
issue.
Unconditional Love:
Hypercritical parenting can result in a child
feeling she has to earn her parents' love. Dr. Benzion Sorotzkin,
psychotherapist, says a child with overly critical parents grows up feeling she
has to achieve enough in order to earn the love of her parents. Due to the
negative nature of a critical family environment, the child feels she does not
receive unconditional love. Sorotzkin explains, in a healthy home a child knows
they are loved, even when they do not meet her parents' standards. She knows
love is not tied to achievement. In hypercritical households, a child grows up
feeling parental love is something that is dangling like a carrot on a string,
and until she does enough to earn it, she is not loved. Sorotzkin says this
leads to later issues with self-esteem, negative parental relationships and
perfectionism.
Self Esteem:
Children develop self-esteem as they grow and
learn to value themselves. According to Kids Health, a child who lives in an
overly critical environment internalizes the critical dialogue she hears from
her parents. This lowers self-esteem and can lead to depression, says Kids
Health. The children's health site advises parents to be supportive and
nurturing with children. A child who learns to love and accept herself even when
she fails, will develop healthy self-esteem. A child needs to see from her
parents that even when she is not perfect, she is worthy and loved. This will
help her believe in herself and increase her self-esteem.
Having grown up in this kind of a household was
the insight into all my issues of being so incredibly critical.
I had lived my entire life in such an
environment. The problem was, I lived with a man who had not. Actually, that
wasn't a problem, it was a huge blessing. But how to change, how to come out of
years, a lifetime of this was hard to figure out.
I Googled again. I don't remember the question
that I asked "the box of knowledge" as Audrey calls it, but out
of all the information that it came up with, only one had a spiritual
answer and that was what I was looking for. Basically, I was looking for how to
balance what I had growing up with what I professed to be and with the God I
believe in. I found the perfect answer.
But the jest of it was that by focusing on the
faults and fallacies of other people, you negate the power of the gospel
of Jesus Christ.
Just like that I was shown what my years and life
of criticizing others was a direct slap in God's face at my lack of faith in
Him to change, deliver, restore and redeem people.
Where was my faith in the God I believed
in.
About this time I also started reading a book by
Anne Graham Lotz called the Daniel Prayer, which I will write more on later,
but suffice to say the combination of the questions and the book, my
life and outlook has changed drastically.
Don't ever be afraid to dig. And if you use the
internet and Google, and pray before you do it, I won't doubt that God will
lead you to exactly where he wants you to be.
I had prayed about this problem and God answered
by leading me to what he wanted me to know. He is still leading.... I'm so
thankful.
